Pretty
by Swiper. No swiping
Summary: Slippy explains his reasons for going under the knife.


Verdict says I have no sense of direction. No real surprise there. I'm an awful pilot and I know it. I can never tell where the hell these enemy fighters always come from.

I stare at myself in the mirror for the umpteenth time. 'Umpteenth', what an ugly word; monstrous, troll-words. One rounded finger comes up and gingerly pulls at the skin underneath my eyeball. It's limp, baggy and kind of abnormally dark. There's another troll-word: abnormal.

My eyes are red.

I haven't been sleeping because I'm afraid of what sleep might bring. Sleeping alone brings awful things. Sleeping with someone brings nothing, and nothingness is what I embrace.

Okay, actually, confessions now. I've never slept with someone. I'm a virgin. No real surprise there either.

I'm not a very pretty boy. I know that too.

It's not like I was ever very masculine. I never got girls. I'm also socially inept, uncomfortable with myself in large groups of others.

But Verdict also says I'm uncomfortable with my body.

I know I'm not a very pretty boy.

I've been practicing keeping my voice high-pitched. You asked me why, once. Do you remember? You've heard me talk in my lower voice. It's not very nice to listen to, I think. My high-pitched voice sounds better.

Well, you don't know yet. You can't see it the way that I see it. No one can see it the way that I see it. Not yet.

Looking good, Slip, Falco laughs.  
I'm probably blushing, by now. I feel sick-warm and embarrassed. Suddenly I wish that no one could see me and I know that's what Verdict said to watch out for.  
Falco, Fay protests, do not laugh. You're making Slippy feel uncomfortable.  
Ah, I'm sorry, Falco locks his bones up in an apologetic manner. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just feel weird about it, -atz'all.

It's late at 'night' now; the lights of the Great Fox are all off and I know you're in bed with your bitch. That prancing bitch who just thinks she can waltz in here and take you, throwing herself at you like that. Slut.

Confessions: I want to shout it at her every time I see her. Fucking slut. He's mine. Always has been mine. I was here before her. I had you before she ever had you.

You just didn't know it.

But deep down I think you might've.

You kept me around even though I'm a bad pilot. You smiled at me during passing in the hallway, from time to time. I would see you watching me, even though you didn't know I knew. You didn't have any other reason to. Why did you do that?

I know you're not attracted to me. That's why you have your slut. And I know that she probably doesn't really like you. She just wants to fuck, and you are the one that gives her what she wants. Sure, you get your rocks off. I wouldn't be surprised if she lets you come on her face.

I would never do that. You can come in me. That's where it's supposed to go.

There's a certain hour of the early morning that, if you fall asleep right then, you won't dream. I want to sleep and I wait for that.

I wait for lots of things. I know you're not attracted to me. I wait for the day that you will be. And I know how to make it happen.

The amphibian in the mirror blinks because I blinked; but we aren't the same amphibian, not really. The mirror image may be the reflection of me, but I am not necessarily my reflection.

I shouldn't say that you aren't attracted to me, actually. You aren't attracted to my body. I don't think it's necessarily repulsive (or maybe I do, confessions) but it's missing something that you need, or you think you need.

It's in me, you've found it; I'm the one that you need. But my insides aren't outside, yet. You get confused and I lose you, and that's why you have your bitch to fuck in the mean-time. Until I'm pretty enough for you.

Verdict's put me on pills of things I haven't even heard of before. It'll start soon, they say.

Are you sure you really want to do this, Falco asks. My confidant.  
Yup, my voice squeaks with uncertainty, and I try to shut it up. Now that I have the time and the money. I know who I am, Falco. It's just a matter of fixing myself so I can be what I want, that's all.  
Bud, the avian says, raising his arms and folding them behind his head. It's a big decision. And you should be one hundred percent sure about it. That's all I'm sayin'.

Fay supplied me with the bra and panties. Bless her. God bless everyone, in case I don't make it through this somehow. Sometimes it kills you. It might kill me.

But I'm doing this because I'm abnormal. We both see that, Fox. I'm abnormal.

But I'm doing this because I can be normal, like you. I can be pretty, like you.

And then you can love me normally. Really love me; not just what I am to you now, but what that fennec bitch is for you. She's ugly.

You'll need someone pretty, sooner or later. You and I can be pretty, together.

"Goodbye," I say to the image in the mirror that isn't what I look like. Out with the old, and in with the new. I've practiced saying goodbye to him, many times. My voice is high-pitched with optimism every time.

I love you, Fox.

This is how much I love you, Fox.

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End file.
